The Bachelor: Jason Mesnik (Episode 1) Recap

Welcome to the Bachelor 13: Jason Mesnik. The first ever single daddy edition of the Bachelor. Finding someone ready to be a stepmom puts a whole new twist on the competition, and by competition, I obviously mean that these girls are all here for the right reason, which is fame-whoring finding true love. I actually like Jason quite a bit, so I genuinely do hope this works out for him…I just don’t think it will. I mean, with Trista and Ryan being the only married couple to ever come out of the show, the odds aren’t looking too good. Of course, SOMEONE has to succeed, right? Maybe? Anyway, on to the main event. It’s been a while since I’ve seen 25 orange sluts, so I’m really pumped for tonight’s episode.

The desperation (and my review/recap) begins after the jump.

We begin by watching how Deanna let Jason propose (20 seconds down on his knees? REALLY?), only to shoot him down. Fun times. Now we further recap Jason’s pain by seeing him have to listen to Deanna’s half-ass attempt at explaining why she couldn’t possibly stop someone from complimenting and professing their love for her. Jason handles the situation with class…a stark contrast to Deanna’s self-involved babble. You know…last season I was really cheering for Deanna to choose Jason, now I realize that could actually be considered child abuse in some states. Imagine having Deanna as your stepmom. I was so wrong.

Cue montages of Jason playing with Ty (freaking adorable), taking his shirt off, looking out reflectively at Puget Sound, working out with no shirt on, playing with Ty some more, standing around not wearing a shirt, and being shirtless. Clearly ABC knows what the ladies want.

We now see that Jason heads down to LA, bringing with him his adorable son and faceless brother. Is he tragically disfigured? Chemical burn, perhaps? Have we got a phantom of the mansion on our hands? Or did he just forget to sign the release form?

Now we get a (not so brief) brief introduction to the type of crazy that we’re going to be seeing on the show. One girl, Shannon, runs on the treadmill threatening vowing, “I’m coming for you Jason. (Editor’s note…this is much creepier knowing what she says later on.) Raquel, a pretty Brazilian, has brought 32 pairs of shoes with her…a girl after my own heart. Next we see Jillian, a kooky interior designer who “shows off” her Canuck pedigree by standing around a firepit drinking beer…as if we didn’t believe she was Canadian. Side note…are paintings on the ceiling somehow acceptable in Canada? Then there’s Dominique, who gives a corny intro to her town that I didn’t really pay attention to, because I was too busy stabbing my eyes out with a set of chopsticks. Then there’s Melissa, who looks a lot like Deanna. She’s cute and bubbly and will probably do well. Next they force Nikki, a beauty queen from Illinois (reppin’ the Prairie State!), to do chores in her sash and crown, while holding a wand. What kind of beauty competition was that? It looks like the producers just puked Cinderella all over her. Next we meet a real gem, Renee, whose eyes are only out-crazied by her vision boards (highlights from her romance board: “orgasmic”, “our marriage, and photos of diamond rings). Then there’s Jackie, a wedding planner, who says that planning other people’s weddings is the “hardest thing”. Yeah...either that, losing your limbs in a landmine, or having to listen to Renee talk about her vision boards. Somebody needs a new job. Our next lucky bachelorette is Stephanie, a widow with a young daughter, whose husband, uhhhh, “took a flight to Heaven” (and that’s not insensitive, because those are HER OWN WORDS). Still, I think I could like her if she ditched the 5 layers of foundation. Girl needs a new look. Lauren seems cute, but called herself attractive. You’re on notice, Lauren. Next we have a tribute to cattiness, with each girl blending into the next. The standout of the bunch, Naomi talks about how she “handles bitches with a slap”. Not to be outdone, Molly woefully admits how she suffers at the hands of other girls, who are “jealous of her confidence”. I hate to break it to you, but if you’re 24 and truly believe the reason girls don’t like you is because of your confidence, you’re in denial. My guess? You’re a bitch.

So...seems like a pretty solid bunch. Wouldn’t you think that women wanting to become a 3-year-old’s stepmom would maybe pretend to be caring people, or, at the very least, move past a junior high mentality? Not if you’re watching the Bachelor. And, speaking of junior high antics, we now see the girls in the limo, shrieking and spelling out Jason’s name in a cheer. If I were him, I’d run.

As a lovely break from all the estrogen, we get to spend a little time with the hardest working host on TV, the oh-so-talented Chris Harrison (I kid, but I really do love me some Chris Harrison. Like...a lot). He reminds Jason of how “unlucky in love” he is. Didn’t we already cover that at the beginning of the episode?

Now it’s time for Jason to meet a bunch of sluts his future wife. Here’s a five word summary of each of the meetings:

Lauren: Birthday girl. Will get rose

Kari: Kari from Kansas. That’s all.

Melissa: Admits nerves. No cheerleading mention.

Sharon: DON’T SLOUCH. Dancing was weird.

Natalie: Chi-town. No TV. Orange Skin.

Naomi: Keeps pulling up her dress.

Megan: Claims mentioning son was "accidental”.

Stacia: Like her, and her hair.

Jackie: Dallas apparently has eight syllables.

Lisa: Idaho potatoes. Might like her.

Stephanie: Has she had work done?

Treasure: Stripper name. Claims it’s real.

Raquel: Love her dress. Love it.

Shelby: Cute. Funny. I like her.

Nikki: Chicago. Nothing else of note.

Molly: Challenges golf swing. Awkwardness ensures.

Erica: Went to Kirkland. Possible stalker.

Nicole: Wore Ty’s favorite color. Cheesy.

Renee: Still has the crazy eyes.

Jillian: Hotdog condiment theory. Good ploy.

Dominique: Obnoxious voice. Stop giggling. Please.

Emily: Seattle. Could be a plus

Julie: Cute. Teacher. Good with kids?

Ann: Flight attendant. Yeah. That’s all.

Shannon: Joke fake teeth. Endearingly dorky.

And that’s everybody. Cue Chris tell us that’s everybody. The evening begins with a toast to Deanna…fair enough. Jason gives the typical pep talk, and we move into the 1-on-1’s.

Shannon’s first...starting it off as a stalker. Run for the hills, Jason. Here’s the thing…obviously they’re all stalking him on myspace, but admitting to it…bad, bad idea. Poor girl. He looks weirded out. This is kind of painful to watch.

Girls are already getting upset about others getting one on one time with Jason. Isn’t that the point of this time...the whole getting to know him thing?

Jason is lucky enough to get some alone time with the chronic giggler, Dominique. There’s no way he can keep her after listening to that for more than 30 seconds, right? Unless the bunion and hammertoe talk drew him in...

Something is really weirding me out about Sharon, and it’s not just the fact that she quit her job to come here. I suggest they check her suitcase for a gun. Or roofies. The quiet desperation behind her eyes can’t possibly lead to anything good.

Now, I assumed that Jason’s conversation with Shannon would be the most awkward of the night, but that was before Kari read Jason the poem that she wrote for him. It kind of reminds me of one that I wrote...when I was 12. But mine had a more sophisticated rhyme scheme. Seeing someone read a poem to someone else is always awkward. Always. Which is why Nicole, who was sitting three inches away from Jason, looked like she wanted to kill herself. Poor girl.

Jason now finds Jillian in the kitchen, cooking up some wieners. Really? Couldn't she just ask him the question? Jason correctly choose mustard, which begs the question, what would she have done if he had chosen onions? Still, I have to give the girl credit for the unique and memorable hook. Plus, she seems to be pretty down to earth, or actually, this could just be sophistication for Canadians.

Next Jason tells Nikki that he’s been “waiting to talk to her”. Seems like they have an instant connection. And by they, I mean Jason and her breasts. Good lord.

Jason comes up to Renee, Shelby, and, I don’t know, let’s call her Betty. “Betty” and Shelby do a good job of throwing Renee under the bus by bringing up her vision boards, but I think it might be her crazy eyes that do her in. Although, really, is there any bigger turn-off to guys than vision boards?

Raquel grabs Jason to salsa (Sharon is upset that Raquel is stealing her moves...and not slouching while doing so). Molly doesn’t wait too long to cut in. Raquel, in return, steals him right back. Bold, but I approve.

Stephanie’s talking to Jason and says, “My husband was tragically killed in a plane crash”. That sounds…odd. Of course it was tragic. It was a plane crash.

Next, the birthday girl (Lauren) starts quizzing him on the branches of government. Way to win over a man. She just about pees her pants when she thinks she’ll be getting the first impression rose, and isn’t too good at disguising her disappointment when all her gives her is birthday cream puffs.

Now it’s time for a break in the 1-on-1’s. Out comes everyone’s favorite host, Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison tells them that there’s some sort of twist. Oooh! Are they pulling a Tila Tequila on us? Are a bunch of hot eligible bachelors going to come and compete with the girls for Jason’s affection? Sadly, no. The girls just get to vote for the girl that will have to leave. I kind of hate the twist, but I’m wondering if they’ll actually follow through with it. The girls discuss whether they’ll vote for someone they don’t think will be a good match for Jason or who they see as the biggest threat. Man, though, if ABC is trying to convince us of the validity of this show in finding true love, this is not the way to do it. Oh well, names that seem to be mentioned for voting include: Jackie, Raquel, Erika, Melissa, and Megan.

Megan, who pretty much embodies class, goes off with Jason to talks about her 14 month old son and living on a farm or something. She mentions having “donkey” there…which I guess is the plural of...donkey. Apparently she and Jason have some sort of connection, but I find her horribly annoying.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for...Jason grabs the first impression rose. Speculation commences, with Melissa’s name being brought up as the possible recipient. Jason says one of the girls really stands out to him...and the lucky recipient is...Nikki's breasts! He offers her the rose, she accepts (big surprise), and he tells her how comfortable he feels with her. She tells the camera she’s happy. Awesome. Great insight, Nikki. They do look cute together though.

Next we see everyone is sitting around together (not staged at all, of course), when the host with the most, Chris Harrison, walks in to say it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. But first…the votes. The girls titter nervously, and Jason is sweating like a ho in church. Chris Harrison reads the top three vote getters. 3rd – Jackie. 2nd – Erica. And, with “by far the most votes,” we have our lucky winner, Megan! Chris Harrison calls Jason up and says Megan WILL be leaving tonight (insert dramatic pause here)…but with a rose in hand. Megan, being classy, calls the girls something that was bleeped out. I’m assuming it was assholes though. They don't have to bleep out "bitches", do they? Jason then gives her the rose. He CLAIMS he was going to give her a rose anyway. Was that before or after she called the other girls assholes? Megan cries about how hurt she is. Yay. I can’t wait for this drama. Brilliant move, Bachelor producers.

Now the multi-talented Chris Harrison takes Jason into the deliberation room to talk about the girls and make his decision. They talk about Shannon’s creepiness, which Jason claims is kind of impressive. Sure, everyone loves a stalker. He says Raquel is incredible sexy. Molly is aggressive, which he respects. Sharon left her job to come, which Jason says won’t get her a pity rose. I hope that’s a promise. Jason’s fine with single parents, so he says, but I think bringing in a stepparent is hard enough. Step siblings make it even worse. It might be hypocritical, but I know I’d put my own child first. I might just be a bitch though. Anyway, he says Stephanie is an amazing person. That’s nice, but is he attracted to her and her clown make-up? Jason believes one of the women is his future wife…but we know that already, because the Bachelor has been saying it over and over and over again. Jason stares at the pictures, making his decision, or perhaps trying to memorize their names so he doesn’t accidentally get stuck with crazy Renee.

Onto the roses. To recap, Nikki and Megan already have them.

First rose goes to Lauren (birthday girl)…no surprise there.

Next, Kari (from Kansas)....but she wrote a poem!

Naomi (who handles bitches with a slap)…ick.

Natalie (from Illinois, but spray tan-tastic)…eh.

Molly (the golfer)…not so surprising.

Raquel (the Brazilian)…yay!

Stephanie (the window)...yes.

Melissa (cheerleader)…also not a surprise.

Jillian (the Canadian)…the hotdog bit worked I guess.

Shannon (the stalker)…girl needs to calm down.

Lisa (potatoes girl)…I’m okay with that.

Sharon (the sloucher)…desperation works, I guess.

The illustrious Chris Harrison comes to tell us it’s the final rose. He’s so amazing. Thank you Chris Harrison. And it goes to…Erika (who?).

Chris Harrison comes back out and, with his insane talent, tells the future spinsters (the ones who didn't get roses) that they must leave. What would we do without him? Stacia is disappointed, but handles the rejection with class. I wish she would have stayed. Renee (who still has crazy eyes) goes on and on, sounding kind of pathetic, but says that her visions boards are still real. And obviously worked out for her really well. A drunken Jackie feels like Jason missed out…because everyone loves a crazy pathetic wedding planner. She already had her wedding to Jason planned (small, maybe 40-50 people, on a beach). Wow. They should hide the razors from Jackie tonight...

In closing, they toast, with some of the girls saying “Opa”, which is awkward since Deanna was the Greek one, not Jason, but yeah. This is the Bachelor, what did I expect?

Core Four
Since it’s super early on in the show and there are lots of options, picking our Core Four girls shouldn’t be too hard. Without any further ado...

Melissa: Cute, bubbly, hasn’t said anything bitchy yet...what’s not to like?

Raquel: Knows what she’s wants, and isn’t going to let any spray tanned bitches stand in her way.

Nikki: Can’t argue with a winner!

Stephanie: Despite her makeup issues, she has obviously overcome a lot in life. Plus, she has a cute Southern accent. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

So...who's your core four?


Sam said...

I agree about Melissa and Nikki, but I also like Kari and Lauren. Stephanie just looks too old. Raquel is ok, but she seems kind of fake to me.

Jessica said...

My favorites are Melissa, Jillian, and Lisa. I don't like Shannon, Naomi and Meghan.

Katrina said...

Right now I think they are all kind of creepy and feel sorry for Jason...not much to pick from. No favorites yet...I'll just have to give it another week or two. The one who said she likes to slap women she doesn't like was really a class act. Wonder what Jason thought when he saw episode #1?!?

Kristen said...

I think it's hard not to come off as not creepy for this first episode. I mean, they've all been hearing about Jason and getting excited to meet him I guess. But if I were Jason, seeing how they act in the limo on the way there would have scared the crap out of me, talk about creepy.

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