America's Next Top Model: Season 12 (Episode 1)

So, America's Next Top Model is back for another season. At this point, no one actually expects a super model to come out of the show. If you occasionally see the winner in anything other than a Covergirl commercial during the following ANTM season, she's doing pretty well. So, while the show's not good for actually producing top models, it is good for lots of drama, ridiculous photo shoots, and plenty of Tyra worship. And who doesn't love that? Let the competition begin!

Read the review/recap after the jump.

This year the final 34 finalists are going to Sin City to compete to be America’s Next Top Model, or at the very least, America’s Next Top Girl Who Is Slightly Famous. The first girl we meet is Celia, who is 25 years old. She’s already ancient my model standards, and she kinda looks like a Stepford Wife. I really don’t see her winning this thing.

The next girl we meet is Allison who says, “It’s pretty hard for me to interact with a lot of girls. I’ve heard people call me, like, creepy or strange or something.” Always a good sign. She’ll probably be good for some drama if she makes it into the house (which she will, since I’ve already seen the 13 finalists’ pictures on the CW website).

When they make it to Caesar’s Palace, London, who is wearing one of those hipster/gay headbands, can’t see what’s happening over everyone’s heads because they’re so tall. I already don’t like her, just for the headband. Maybe she should model for American Apparel.

Out step the Jays (if you don’t know who they Jays are, than why are you watching ANTM?) from behind their fantasy (a bunch of roman gladiators). Fo (Fo, seriously?) almost starts crying when she sees them. The Jays then spew some crap about how Tyra is a goddess and that’s what they’re aspiring to or something. We then meet Sandra who is from Africa, and puts the emphasis on the wrong syllable when saying the word goddess. I guess it’s not her fault since she’s foreign.

Because this is top model, the Jays make them change into Greek Roman goddess outfits. This is how Gisele got her start too, I’m sure. The girls emerge from the changing room and scream as they enter the room. This is Top Model, after all, and Top Model is nothing without unwarranted screaming. Jay tells them they’re taking profile photos and Celia is the first victim. Fo goes next and gives Jay a hug, wow, she’s is really obsessed with him. She tells the camera that she’s a hippy and a tree hugger.

Sandra is next and she says that she stands out because she’s darkest or something. I am sensing a bit of repetition as far as the girls that they’re showing. Perhaps these girls will make it into the house? Answer, yes, they will.

There’s a girl with a fro named Aminat, which begs the questions: Where does Tyra find so many girls with weird names? How do you even pronounce that?

After Aminat is a girl named Kathryn, whose future is not looking too bright. She seems nice and is the youngest one there. Too bad she won’t make it to the house. We also meet Teyona, who slouches and grew up in the rustic countryside…of New Jersey. Sounds quaint.

Miss Jay then has the girls walk “on clouds” or as I call it, “dry ice smoke”. Sandra’s walk is OK, a girl name Angelea looks like a hooker walking towards a John’s car, and Allison is terrible. Jessica, who is from Puerto Rico (I don’t think we’ve had one of those before!) looks hot as she walks and tells the camera she wants to, “represent Latinas to the fullest.”

Isabella, who does a lot of odd hand gestures as she talks, is excited to be judged by Tyra herself. The Jays are talking to the girls when they are rudely interrupted by a bunch of gladiators who are accompanying the goddess Tyra herself out to the girls. The naturally start flipping shit and screaming because Tyra can’t enter a room in any other fashion. She has a gladiator proclaim that she is the goddess of fierce. Tyra, in an ambiguous accent, tells the girls that she is looking for a successor, someone to “light her chariot of fire”. Whoa, calm down there. Which is it, a successor or chariot of fire lighter?

Celia is so excited to see Tyra and says that Tyra is an extra-terrestrial. Is that supposed to be a good thing? Tyra tells the girls to strike a pose and this somehow leads to an issue between Angelea and Sandra. I don’t really understand why, but these are ANTM contestants so I really don’t feel the need to figure it out. It was something about how Angelea has long nails.

It’s now time for the judges’ panel and Sandra is up first looking fierce in red heels and high-waisted shorts. The judges compliment her and she breaks down crying. Wow, how is she going to react to criticism? She tells the judges she loves her dark skin, and that she’s proud of it.

Next up is stupid London, with her stupid headband. She’s wearing extremely unflattering shorts with tights under them. There is nothing about this girl that I like. She tells the judges that she is a “street preacher” and this makes me like her even less, mostly due to the way she said it. She talked loudly and slowly as if she was talking to a non-English speaker and thought that would help. I really can’t stand her. I like Jesus too, but I’m not obnoxious about it.

The next girl is 18-year-old Jessica, from Puerto Rico. She’s quite cocky. Next girl we see is Tahlia, who is a burn-survivor who feels her story should be out there. She has scars over her lower half from when she was 8-months-old and pulled at a coffeemaker cord and spilled it on herself. I think it’s admirable that she is comfortable in her body and going on this show.

We then go to the room and see Monique spewing crazy (and I mean seriously ridiculous) conspiracy theorists, and then she is the next girl at panel. She craps out more crazy theories and poses some. Next up is Natalie, whose family is rich and has never worked a day in her life. Well, she probably is spoiled, but I mean, she’s only 18, it’s not that crazy. Aminat (the fro) is next and she’s really tall.

Kathryn, the young one breaks down while getting attacked by Angelea and Aminat thinks she should go if she can’t take the heat. Celia says that the wall-flowers aren’t going to be able to cut it, and that she can tell who is going home.

Kathryn is up next and she brings in a bunch of pens but can only name one working model. Not so good. Come on it’s easy. How bout Caroline Trentini, Chanel Iman, Adriana Lima, Coco Rocha, Gemma Ward, or even Gisele Bundchen? And I’m not even trying to be a model. She comes back out in her swimsuit and can actually name three designers. Good on ya mate.

Next is the most boring-looking white girl, Alex, who talks like she grew up in Compton. Wow, you definitely wouldn’t expect that coming out of a girl wearing a light pink, ruffly blouse. Next up is epileptic Isabella. Wow, does every one of these girls have a gimmick. Ok, maybe that’s the wrong word, but I guess they need someone contrevertial since they couldn’t find any transgender girls this year.

Next up is prom queen Nijah who scowls when she poses. Kinda reminds me of Dionne from the season that went to Australia. I didn’t much care for Dionne, but we’ll see about Nijah.

Up next is Fo, who is Blaxican (black and Mexican) and gorgeous. She didn’t even know that she was half-black until she met her father. Wow, that’s crazy.

It’s dinner time for the girls and Angelea tells Kortnie that she had a daughter that passed away. Wow, that’s horrible, but my compassion for her situation does not extend far enough for me to forgive her for her atrocious nails. It really is sad though. I can’t even imagine.

Angelea is in panel next and she slept in a bus station in New York City to be there. OK, that might be taking this a bit to far. Tyra may be fierce, but she’s not worth getting raped for.

Celia is next and she’s actually wearing a really cute outfit. The colors are spot on. I love it in the same sense that I love everything I see in a J Crew catalogue. She’s self-aware about the fact that she’s old and has definitely blossomed since she was little as evidenced by a photo shown on the screen.

Kortnie, the only plus-size girl is up next, and I am having trouble coming up with new ways to say which girl is at panel next. Kortnie has dated Dale Earnhardt Jr., who is overrated as far as NASCAR racers go, and I am embarrassed that I know that. Time in Texas will do that to you, let me tell you. They love him down here, though. He’s not like that Yankee, Jeff Gordon.

We go back to the girls hanging out and the girls are frightened by Allison’s bug big eyes. I can only assume she’s in panel next. Oh, I’m good. Allison tells Tyra that, “either they say I look like a scary doll or like a porcelain doll,” when referring to her eyes. She tells the judges that she always wanted a nose-bleed because they look pretty and she has a fascination with blood. Yeah, they’re not so fun when you’re in high school and you can’t stop bleeding in Ogilvie Station and an ambulance has to and take you to a hospital and you have to get your blood vessels cauterized. Didn’t happen to me, but it did to a friend. Not so pretty then. Teyona is next and her panel is not very noteworthy.

The girls are all done with panel, and the Jays say the 34 girls are being cut down to lucky 21. Some of the lucky girls are Sandra, London, Fo, Jessica, Kortnie, Tahlia, Aminat, Allison, Teyona, Kathryn, Nijah, Natalie, Isabella, Angelea, and Celia. Among the losers are conspiracy theorist Monique and Alex, the blackest white girl you’ve seen. I’m pretty sure Kathryn and Angelea are the only girls that don’t make it to the house that we’ve seen moving on.

After the cut, Jay tells the girls they have a photo shoot, wherein they are each assigned a goddess with an attribute they must portray. London is justice, Fo is madness, Sandra does a bad job at success, Nijah is friendliness (Oh, yeah, I definitely remember learning about that goddess in Greek mythology. Not so much.), and Sandra and Angelea get in a bitch fight. Oh, how I’ve missed ANTM. We get some great quotes out of this fight such as, “This bitch tryin’ to try me.” and “Who are you rolling your eyes at? Do you have an eye problem?” and “Bitch need a perm. That’s what she need.”

Now the Jays and Tyra look at the pictures and decide what 13 girls are moving on. I’m not going to go over what they said, but they decided upon 13. And those 13 are:

Aminat
Natalie
Fo
Allison
Tahlia
Celia
Nijah
London (who thanks Jesus, belch)
Teyona
Kortnie
Isabella
Jessica
and
Sandra

Thus concludes the first part of the premier. Now we’re on to NYC, the Top Model house, and real photo shoots. Well, as real as an ANTM photo shoot can get. London can’t believe she’s there and thinks there should be a word for “holy cow, this is really happening.” I think I have that word. It’s, well, it’s actually 3 words: shut you trap. Seriously can’t stand the girl.

Isabella is excited and seems to think that just being in New York gives her license to call herself a model. Well, I guess I was once a model myself, having spent a week there. Sandra is cocky as ever, and Celia talks more about her age. They go up in the empire state building and to have Kortnie tell it, “your ears pop, so that means you’re pretty high.” Well put. Nigel and Paulina Porizkova (whose name I spelled right on the first try, for the win) are waiting for them and Nigel is looking as hot as ever. Nigel hands Celia the keys to their house, and I can’t help but think, “that was big to-do just to hand them keys.”

The girls enter the house to the usual chorus of gleeful screaming. The first floor contains only picture of Tyra, but because she is so humble and modest, the second floor has pictures of past winners. Celia was told she got her pick of beds since she was handed the key and she chooses a bed that Sandra has put her purse on. I sense that Sandra may raise some hell over this. Not sure why. In the past she has just been a sweet, little bed of roses. It turns out that there are only 12 beds so Sandra tells Celia that she’s keeping the bed since she got it first.

In normal society, someone might say, “Well, let’s just share the bed for a couple days until someone is eliminated. It is a double bed after all and we both weigh 12 lbs so we’ll easily fit.” But, alas, this is Top Model, so I have a feeling it won’t be so easily resolved. OK, way to prove me wrong girls. Sandra almost immediately says they should share the bed. I am pleasantly surprised. Wait, OK, I thought Sandra would be the unreasonable on in this case, but it’s Celia who refuses to share. OK, I guess standing closet to Nigel when he gave the girls the key makes her princess of the house. It’s not like she won a challenge or anything. She just stood there. London, the “pacifist” steps in and sleeps on the floor “because of Jesus.” I really, really don’t like her.

The girls, who are now in a ridiculously cool house, complain that there’s no pool. Really?

First Tyra mail that’s something about good and bad. The Jays are waiting for the girls and London is excited to see them and says to the camera, “Any time I see those two boys I know something is gonna happen.” Thanks Sherlock. It’s not like they enjoy spending time with you or something. They’re there because they’re paid to be there, dumbass.

They tell the girls they are going to be a fashion show. Celia loves being in New York rather than Kentucky because in Kentucky, “nobody cares about fashion because they’re all mowing their lawns.” Oh yes, I knew about that proverb. He who moweth thine lawn, shant not care about fashion, right?

The runway show starts and Isabella is nervous because there are strobe lights, which may affect her epilepsy. I now feel bad about every seizure joke I’ve made about flashing lights. That sucks. She doesn’t have a seizure, though, thank God. Sandra, who earlier bragged that her walk was an 8 or 9, walks like crap and only goes halfway down the runway. Tahlia had a tough time because she was covered up at the show and she felt that her burns shouldn’t be covered since they’re not ugly.

At the house the girls are having a conversation and getting to know each other in a bedroom when Sandra interrupts them to tell them to leave the room and have their “stupid conversation” in the living room. OK then party pooper. She then proceeds to not sleep.


Now it’s time for the girls’ first photo shoot. Jay rides up on a bike in a funky body suit, which, naturally, has nothing to do with the shoot. The shoot is about childhood games such as ring around the Rosie (Fo), tug of war (London), tag (Tahlia), leap frog (Natalie), hide and seek (Sandra), monkey bars (Kortnie), London bridges (Aminat), musical chairs(Nijah), double dutch (Allison), hopscotch (Teyona), hula hoop (Celia), dodge ball (Isabella), and jacks (Jessica). I’m not going to recap exactly what happened since there was no major issue and it’s the end result that really matters.

After the shoot, Sandra is not nervous at all but Tahlia is very worried because her insecurities showed through. It’s now panel time and Tyra goes over the prizes and introduces the judges: Nigel, Miss Jay, and Paulina. Now let’s judge.

Sandra: The judges give her crap for only going part way down the runway. He picture is pretty boring and there was a lot more she could have done with her game (hide and seek) and her face in the picture just looks confused.

Celia: Tyra likes her outfit and her picture looks pretty cute and fun. Tyra says that she’s not a commercial girl, but her picture would fit in at Seventeen Magazine.

Fo: Nigel thinks her picture is adorable, and I would have to agree, though her face isn’t very modelesque.

Aminat: The shoot was supposed to be about innocence, but she kinda looks like a bitch in her shot (London Bridge). Miss Jay says she’s going to have to watch out for her knee because it’s whacked out.

London: I don’t like her, but she actually did get a good shot. Next.

Jessica: She looks gorgeous in her picture, but it has absolutely nothing to do with playing jacks.

Teyona: She’s got a great pose in her shot, but her head is too small. Good critique, Tyra. I’m sure she’ll work on getting a bigger head for next week. She can just ask Sandra for tips.

Isabella: Isabella’s pose is really weird and I’m definitely not getting a dodge ball vibe from it. Tyra says that she needs to learn where the camera is.

Nijah: She’s got a great smile that captures what the shoot was about, but she fell victim to the classic “not representing the game” trap.

Kortnie: Tyra doesn’t like the way her leg is positioned, but she gets a generally good review.

Allison: The judges love the innocence of her face. I think she’s probably really weird, but she’s gorgeous.

Tahlia: Her picture is alright, although the judges aren’t thrilled with her pose.

Natalie: Tyra tells her to take of her fugly hipster headband. Good move, I hate those headbands. Her picture is pretty good.

Now it’s time for deliberation, which I’ll write nothing about.

Tyra hands out the pictures to:
Allison (Nosebleed)
Fo (Blaxican)
Teyona (Small Head)
London (Yuck)
Celia (Grandma)
Nijah (Boring)
Kortnie (NASCAR)
Natalie (Ritchie Rich)
Aminat (Afro)
Tahlia (Coffee Pot)
Jessica (Puerto Rico)

This leaves Isabella and Sandra as the bottom two. So...Sandra’s runway walk and photo were bad and Isabella’s photo sucked. So logically they should keep Isabella, but they won’t. She’s drama. She’ll stay. And the last photo goes to…

Sandra(Bitch)

That means Isabella is going home. Guess she won’t need that three month supply of epilepsy medication. I don’t care too much one way or the other about Isabella going. I didn’t dislike her, but I didn’t care about her either. So yeah. Oh well.

Core Four:


Celia: She has great fashion sense and she knows that her age is her biggest weakness. We think she’ll go pretty far.

Fo: She seems sweet (so far) and although her name is stupid, we like her.

Jessica: She may be a little cocky, but she’s gorgeous and there’s never been a contestant from Puerto Rico before. She already represents Hispanic people better than Jaslene.

Kortnie: We think she’ll go farther than most plus-size girls because she doesn’t seem to be stressing about it. That usually seems to be their downfall.

Bottom Four:


Aminat: We don't know too much about her, but from what we've seen, she seems kinda bitchy.

London: There is nothing about this girl that we like. Seriously, at all.

Natalie: She seemed to really love herself. We don't feel the same way.

Sandra: She's obviously going to be the bitch of the season. And we're not the type to cheer for the bitch.

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